Helping Your Teenager Manage Stressful Situations 13


Parenting through the transition from adolescence through puberty is an emotional rollercoaster.  There are so many changes happening to a child in this phase of life. Physical changes are the most obvious and the ones parents often give the most attention.  It’s rather difficult to ignore the odor of a teenaged boy’s room. Social changes are sometimes easy to spot as well, especially if you have firm social media guidelines. The emotional changes taking place are the most difficult to identify but are the most important in helping your teenager learn to effectively manage stressful situations.

Even though my oldest birth baby just now 12, I raised my bonus son and my niece through adolescence.  The mistakes I made and the experiences I had with them have prepared me well to face this transition with Olivia.


Also Read: Motherhood Monday – The Best Laid Plans


Just four days before the biggest dance competition Olivia sprained her ankle. Now, we don’t call her drama diva for nothing; she often lays it on thick. But this time she was really hurt and she was really emotional. In all her years of dancing, she had never been hurt before. She was scared, worried, frustrated, disappointed – all the normal emotional responses. But played out by an overachieving perfectionist, dramatic pre-teen, her stress level was 1000.

 


The competition was in Orlando, at Disney’s Wide World of Sports. And at that point it was paid in full, so we were going whether she was able to dance or not. I took her to the doctor to be sure there was nothing more than a sprain. She suggested an x-ray to rule out hairline fractures. That was scary for Olivia, but I was relieved. Having worked as an orthopaedic engineer for 8 years, I knew I could see for myself what was going on. Thankfully it wasn’t fractured.

While we traveled I was careful not to discuss her condition unless she was out of earshot. She had enough to worry about without adding the pressure of everyone else’s expectations. She didn’t do much activity other than walking until the team rehearsal three days later. I taped her ankle, gave her a healthy dose of ibuprofen, and looked her straight in the face and said, “Give it all you’ve got. If you can’t do it today, you won’t be able to do it tomorrow, so go for it.” In the end, she was able to pull through and dance with her team. And they won their first international competition!

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I was most encouraged that my intentional approach helped her manage her emotional response to that predicament. With small changes to your approach you can help you teenager manage stressful situations without the emotional turmoil and drama you may be experiencing now.



Help Manage Stressful Situations – Offer suggestions, not mandates.

The quickest way to shut your teen down emotional is to force his/her hand. Especially if they are already emotionally triggered. The body and brain are slower to respond when the fight-or-flight syndrome begins. There is a delicate balance between solving the problem for them and letting them know you’re there to help them through it.  Offer suggestions of choices you find acceptable but be prepared to make a decision for them.  Through the struggle for independence, teens can be unwilling to show vulnerability and ask for help, even when they know they need it.

Help Manage Stressful Situations – Respond quickly, but don’t freak out.

Harold is a certified USATF track coach. He iced her ankle immediately to reverse the effects of the trauma and speed the process of recovery. He only told me about it once she was eating dinner and focused on something else. When your teenager is facing stress, don’t allow it to fester without acknowledgment. You likely won’t be able to stop it, but let them know in a calm and unintrusive manner that you are aware, that you understand and that you are there to help them through it. In science and in human behavior energy is transferable. So remember if you freak out, they will too.

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Energy is neither created or destroyed. It is passed from one object or person to another. Click To Tweet

Help Manage Stressful Situations – Be her advocate and supporter.

If you can avoid being the bearer of bad news, do so. Harold and I both knew that if the sprain was too bad, she wouldn’t recover in three days. I didn’t want to be the one to tell her that. I needed to be the shoulder she could cry on. So I let someone else be the heavy this time. Place yourself in the position of a comforter and leave the bad news to someone else.

The most difficult aspect of Olivia’s injury for me to manage was watching her have to teach another dancer how to replace her. I had to fight the urge to pull her coach aside for a heart to heart. Instead, I planted the seeds for her to stand up for herself, but maintain the proper team/coach/dancer dynamic. Your teen does not want you to “get in the middle of it.” In those cases, well placed and firmly stated messages are key. Share your observations and opinions matter of factly to ensure that your message is heard and ultimately delivered to the intended recipient.

Help Manage Stressful Situations – Speak his language.

The most important aspect of all is to reassure your teen that he is loved, safe and supported. Learn his Love Language and learn how to speak it. When he knows there is a safe space, he’ll retreat to it in times of stress.

If your teenager is having debilitating and prolonged periods of stress, seek professional help. But for those situations you can handle, these four tactics are a great place to start.


About Anitra Durand Allen

I'm a not your average mom blogger. I'm Harold's BLISSful wife, mom to #SuperKids #OliviaAllen and #AwesomeAlexAllen, and a former corporate project manager who now helps families get more done in less time with less stress. I help motivated moms discover their child's unique brilliance and win at life, love, and motherhood.


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13 thoughts on “Helping Your Teenager Manage Stressful Situations

  • Elle (CleverlyChanging)

    Congratulations to your daughter and her team. I know you are a proud Mom. I like to think that all of the other childhood phases help prepare you for the teenage years. Our parents survived, and so I am optimistic that we will too.

  • Emily

    These are really great ideas! I like the first one about offering suggestions and not mandates. I think that is so important. We are here to guide our kids, and teens need to find their own way, but they still need us to help navigate. I like this approach a lot!

  • Joanna

    Awesome tips. I pretty much internalized everything as a teen (I tend to now also), but the one that stands out to me most is suggestions and not mandating. Doing so allows them to make decisions themselves and kind of “practice” adulthood. It’s crazy how some adults don’t do anything unless someone tells them what to do.

  • Melanie

    My nine-year-old is a full-on tween. I love the glimpses of her as a grown-up, but I also see how rocky the teen years might be with her. It’s good to have a guide as a mama to help her navigate these years.

  • Pamela King

    Listen, it’s important that we teach our kids effective stress and conflict resolution. I’m glad you are talking about this and sharing your daughters story. It will help us to have a talk with our kids and share some tips on managing stress.

  • Claudia Krusch

    It is not easy to raise teenagers these days. It is so important to make sure they know you are there to support and help them in any way you can.

  • Stephanie Jeannot

    This reminds me of a talent show I was set to do in the seventh grade. I was super excited about it and rehearsing everyday. Then it happened. I contracted chicken pox and it was over. All the practicing. All the cool moves. Down the drain bc I was sick and unable to participate. But, God is good.

  • Alicia Taylor

    This is some really great advice. Teens are so close to adults and giving them the leeway to express themselves is more important. However, they really do still need parents to be their advocates.

  • Ashley

    We aren’t in the teen years yet, but they are coming. And I remember how stressful it was for me. This is a great post and I wish my mother had this to help me out!

  • Rebecca Bryant

    My son has been dealing with lots of stress. We recently had to see the Dr to get him some help. It was devasting knowing I couldn’t do more. She set him up with some coping ideas.

  • Reesa Lewandowski

    As my kids are getting older, I am noticing it is harder to deal with stress and we are experiencing more stressful situations. Thank you for the help!