Is the Sex THAT Good?

Anyone with a computer or a television has by now heard about the Mimi Faust/Nikko Smith sex tape. The couple, famous for their roles in VH1’s reality series Love & Hip Hop Atlanta, are seen in the video engaged in a number of different sexual acts. The most popular of those is the now infamous shower scene during which Mimi hangs from her shower rod while doing the deed.

This predicament gives me pause for a number of reasons: the negative and uncensored public attention her daughter Eva will have to face at such a young age, the branding endorsements she is now and will continue to receive for baring her goodies for all the world to see, the fact that the not yet published tape is already sold out, and the notion that this is the type of entertainment we as a society find interesting and I am spending boatloads of money on acting classes and formal training for my 9-year-old aspiring television star. But the notion that most gives me pause about this situation, among others, is the idea that trading sex for love and attention is acceptable.

In this world of immediate gratification, no holds barred entertainment and a “look-at-me-at all-costs” mentality, I have to wonder if behind closed doors Mimi is really happy in her relationship. It wasn’t that long ago that the reality TV star’s personal life and drama with her daughter’s father, Stevie J, was on display for all the world to see. Now, in what Deron Dalton of reports as an attempt to repay him for not making good on child support for Eva, the 43 year old shops a porn video.

It seems to me Miss Mimi has lost her way and is looking for love and attention from where ever she can obtain it. Now, don’t get me wrong, while I do not agree with her methods or her message, she mastered the art of cornering the market for public attention and capitalizing from it. But I believe she has fallen into the trap that so many other women do and is trading her sexuality for the individual and very personal love and attention she really desires. And I have to ask, is the sex THAT good?

Is the sex that good to place everything on the line for 15 minutes (or hours, months or years even) of fame? Is the sex that good to place your daughter in the position to have to answer for your transgressions and placed in a position to be compared to you, her mother, before she even has her own personality and life? Is the sex that good to make you want to market yourself as the freak of the week? Is the sex that good to have any and everybody talking about you, no matter the reason? Is the sex that good?

If you find yourself, like I believe Mimi will, answering “no” to this question, I suggest the following steps to find your way to a better love experience:
1. Figure out how you really perceive love. There are many books, assessments and programs that will help you determine your true view of this thing called love. I personally suggest The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman and It’s Complicated by Paul Carrick Brunson.
2. Lay down the gloves. Stop fighting to prove something to someone, or just anyone.  In response to the backlash from the video leak, Mimi posted this pic to her Instagram page. When it’s all said and done, it’s not worth the time. Spend that time working on figuring out how you love and finding someone to love you in that way.
3. Stop trading sex for love…or attention. Recognize that sex is for the moment. It will not last forever, nor will it fill that space in your heart seeking emotional (or personal) fulfillment.

I have found in my own life and with the clients that I work that sex, while important to intimacy, does not replace nor is it equal to love. (Allow me to parenthetically state that I believe in sex as a benefit of marriage. And while I am not condemning, I am definitely not condoning). Love is a much more complex issue that deals with matters of the heart and emotions. Sex is a physical and hormonal phenomena that we as human beings often confuse with emotion. Learning how you really perceive love and seeking positive outlets and environments from which to receive it is the way to find lasting love that doesn’t die when the cameras stop rolling, when the press stops calling and when your 15 minutes of fame is over.

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